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The Other Side of the Ditch #3 (of 6)

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I joined the high school newspaper in my senior year for one reason—so I could have my own comic-strip. It was called Dweezlebwob 634 and featured talking cheese and a sentient severed finger, amongst other oddities. Despite this, the newspaper staff also saw fit to foolishly give me my own column, “The Other Side of the Ditch.” I squandered this honor by writing about ludicrous conspiracies and other facetious topics.

Below is the third installment—revealing the despicable truth of Atlantis.

Note – Atlantis was apparently a recurring theme in my youth. In college, I created this asinine audio news story about atomic break-fighting in Ancient Atlantis.

The Other Side of the Ditch
Number Three
16 December 1994

Many have stopped along the beach to admire the sound of the “sea” being emitted from a conch shell. This sound is so peaceful and relaxing it could open anyone’s mind to the disastrous brainwashing of the Ancient Atlanteans.

It is legend that, ages ago, one said city of Atlantis sank into one unsaid sea. It is popular belief that everyone perished. According to others, including one Roscoe Maurice Higgety, “Them there Atlantis-people made space saucers and lived under that water and, by Jimminy, them there Atlantis-people still do!” This raises an interesting question (ignore Higgety’s space saucer comment), what if Atlanteans did survive and possibly adapt to undersea life? That could certainly solve the riddle of the Bermuda Triangle.

You see, the Atlanteans live within the Bermuda Triangle in a highly-advanced modification of Ancient Atlantis. They use numerous highly-incomprehensible devices to capture, harass, or confuse petty humans entering the confines of their territory (a sort of new-age turf war). The Atlanteans use their human hostages as slaves and guinea-pigs (they do so love pets, you were right, Perry Farrel). The trout, Ronald Finnegan explained this when he used our hypnotized forefathers to write “The Constitution.” For much like “Beowulf,” it was actually written by a clever fish in the Fishineese language (see September’s paper). “The Constitution” is really a warning of Atlantis’ master plan.

Using one of their plentiful highly-incomprehensible devices, the Atlanteans have turned mere conch shells into brainwashing weapons. The sound of the “sea” it produces lulls any average human into a highly submissove state. The Atlanteans feed you subliminal messages through the conch shells. These messages are embedded into the subconscious of all conch listeners forcing the listener to obey these subliminal commands. We are all pawns of Atlantis. They command us to buy their products and make them rich, for he who holds the money holds the planet. Labels reading “Made in Taiwan” or “China” or somewhere where everything seems to be made are likely to really be manufactured by Atlantis. Our only hope is our own stupidity. As mankind continues to destroy his planet, less conch shells are lying about and less people are outside on the polluted seashores to pick them up. Fewer people are being brainwashed and more American manufacturers are rising. Atlantis’ hopes shall continue to dwindle as long as we remain so self-destructive. Things are looking bright.

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The Other Side of the Ditch #1 (of 6)

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ditch01-thumb01
I joined the high school newspaper in my senior year for one reason—so I could have my own comic-strip. It was called Dweezlebwob 634 and featured talking cheese and a sentient severed finger, amongst other oddities. Despite this, the newspaper staff also saw fit to foolishly give me my own column, “The Other Side of the Ditch.” I squandered this honor by writing about ludicrous conspiracies and other facetious topics.

Below is the first installment—a treatise on the true meaning of the epic poem Beowulf.

The Other Side of the Ditch
Number One
30 September 1994

In English classes throughout our nation students are being forced to read the epic “Beowulf,” but very few suspect its true origin. Written by the extremely late fish, Harold Ofindenheimer, “Beowulf” is not about the archetype of a hero, but instead the process of making a sandwich.

It is a shame that so few suspect the existence of the fish language, Fishineese. Fish throughout history have formulated a form of communication that parallels English. It uses the same alphabet and words except they have different meanings and pronunciations. Long before man existed, the fish had perfected this language. Unfortunately, it is difficult for fish to write underwater. The paper deteriorates and the ink always smears. When the first fish evolved into an amphibian, he scribbled this alphabet on a rock. Long after, man came along and found this stone and, of course, he greedily took the credit.

It is popular belief that “Beowulf” was written in the tenth century by a monk. Not so. Ofindenheimer was this monk’s goldfish. Being a natural genius, as most fish are, Ofindenheimer hypnotized his monkish owner with his glittery scales. It is common knowledge that many people have claimed to understand fish when under hypnosis. It seems that a branch of the subconscious stores an ability to decipher similar languages. Naturally, Ofindenheimer was able to dictate his story to the hypnotized monk and have him record it like a common stenographer.

Ofindenheimer’s “Beowulf,” meaning “Hold the Tomato” in Fishineese, is about the painstaking process of creating the ideal sandwich. When the monk awoke from his state of submission, he lost his unconscious link with Fishineese. Looking into his hands, he believed he had concocted an epic about Beowulf, the ideal hero. Horribly offended, Ofindenheimer vowed to never “write” again. “Hold the Tomato” is a beautifully phrased composition. It is a shame Ofindenheimer never wrote again. It is a common rumor among dolphins that he always dreamed of writing about meatloaf; the dish, not the singer.

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