I joined the high school newspaper in my senior year for one reason—so I could have my own comic-strip. It was called Dweezlebwob 634 and featured talking cheese and a sentient severed finger, amongst other oddities. Despite this, the newspaper staff also saw fit to foolishly give me my own column, “The Other Side of the Ditch.” I squandered this honor by writing about ludicrous conspiracies and other facetious topics.
Below is the fourth installment—highlighting Jack The Ripper, aliens, and hamburgers.
The Other Side of the Ditch
14 February 1995
Long ago, a man known only as “Jack The Ripper” murdered and mutilated women. Unbeknownst to most, he has returned to mutilate cattle and use their body parts to conquer Earth in the name of his home planet, Ziplineoffuningiss.
“Jack The Ripper” is an alien. He began his mutilation of women as an experiment to create a female form of Frankenstein’s Monster. His plan was to use this female atrocity to attract Frankenstein’s Monster and use him to overpower humanity. To Jack’s dismay, he discovered that Frankenstein was merely a book, and the monster did not exist. In disgrace, he returned to his planet.
Now, Jack has returned to Earth. To save his name he has constructed a more vile plan for world domination. Jack has begun to mutilate cattle and use their organs and such to make hamburgers. These are no ordinary hamburgers, Jack adds to them a special isotope indigenous only to his planet. This isotope makes burgers addictive. His plan was to open a franchise which would sell these addictive additive-enhanced hamburgers. As customers became addicted, they would become his pawns (and by stealing the cow innards, his profit would near 70%). As he saw it, he could not lose.
Unknown to Jack, his isotope underwent a chemical change upon entering Earth’s atmosphere. It became poisonous causing his burgers to become poisonous and ultimately his franchise. His plans were once again foiled. As customers began to sicken and die, their numbers started dwindling. His dreams crumbled as his “Jack In The Box” franchise began to disappear.
Too ashamed to return home, Jack has gone into seclusion. Rumor has it he plans to become a televangelist.